


Justify

by valiantprincex



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Abuse, Basically, Blood, Gen, Gun Violence, POV Second Person, Self Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Um major major trigger warnings for, general violence, it's helena POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-04
Updated: 2014-08-04
Packaged: 2018-02-11 19:32:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2080434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valiantprincex/pseuds/valiantprincex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Helena through the years, from convent to Tomas to prolethean farm(kind of)</p><p> </p><p>  <em>You are five years old and the other children don't like you very much. The stares of Sister Olga  make them all wary. She teaches the lessons on Sunday, the day of rest. On that day you do not speak out of turn, you do not run or yell or walk too slowly or too fast because even though she's the favorite Sister Olga is very strict about the word of God and you do not want to make her angry at you.</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	Justify

**Author's Note:**

> I'm.......I'm back to 2nd person

        You are five years old and the other children don't like you very much, the stares of Sister Olga  make them all wary. She teaches the lessons on Sunday, the day of rest. On that day you do not speak out of turn, you do not run or yell or walk too slowly or too fast because even though she's the favorite Sister Olga is very strict about the word of God and you do not want to make her angry at you. She hit you once, with a long thin cane that smelled of new spring and hurt like fire. It was alright though, because after she said all was well and you were clean of sin. You aren't sure what sin is really but she tells you it is bad and to not speak with your mouth full. Sister Olga runs services during the week too, but you aren't a grownup and they are grown up services.

        One of the others wanted to watch one one day so she hit him so hard that later he flinched later whenever he heard the snap of a twig. She gives you mean looks but you learn your lessons fast and anyway you prefer to run wild through the busy halls of the convent than sit in a dusty hall all afternoon. Most of the nuns are kind, slipping you candies and other sweet things. You do as you're told, mostly, smiling at the visitors and patrons, hugging the visitors whenever one of them tries to leave without giving to God.

        The nuns like you, and when you laugh they smile which only makes you want to laugh more. Some of the children get taken away with people who know them but no one ever comes for you. A boy with red hair makes a habit of tracking the visitors, saying that someday his parents will come for him. You don’t mind it though, because whenever you are sad the nuns notice and you get more hugs and maybe even a bedtime story and then you don't feel sad anymore.

\--

        You are eight years old and the convent is falling into disrepair. They tell you to smile more, laugh more, but people have stopped leaving children at the door and the visitors look at you more with anger than than pity and then leave without putting money in the special box. The sweets are rarer now, and hardly ever come to you. You take one from a smaller boy and Sister Olga yells at you. She doesn't hit you this time though, and part of you wishes for the pain rather than the looks she gives you. When she looks at you you imaging that's what your face looks like when you see a dead rat in the sewer or a bird stealing your bread. It’s alright though, because you know that what you did was wrong and she is right.

        Weeks later you see the big girl with green eyes take from the boy who always cries at night. You try to teach her what is right but something goes wrong,  _ wrong, so wrong _ and now everyone is looking at you with disgust and this time it's not just Sister Olga but the nuns who used to pat you on the head and comfort you after bad dreams that can't hide their looks of fear. You stop running. You hide. Sister Olga's Sunday sermons change from sweet pastures to fire and brimstone and  _ sin _ .

\--

        You are eleven years old and Sister Olga is one of the only remaining nuns. One of them died, you itched and fidgeted throughout the memorial, and many of the others simply left. The girl with one green eye leaves on a stormy night and you never see her again and the red haired boy's uncle comes back and takes him away in a shower of hugs and presents and love. You look after him with pain and memory lodging in the pit of your chest, but they have told you that jealousy is a sin and sin is wrong so you try and distract yourself by drawing your family. But they are almost all gone and you can only sit there and draw yourself over and over and over again. Alone. But that’s alright because no one loves(l _oved loved loved has anyone ever never never never_ ) you anyways and family needs love and therefore you _deserve_ this.

        The boy who used to cry stopped crying when he got sick and eventually he stopped altogether. You wake one winter morning and he is cold and blue and you don't know what to do so you try to hug him to make him warmer but then Sister Olga comes in you and sees his face and stops. And then she is screaming about devils and demons and  _ please Christ save her  _ and she is dragging you by your hair and shutting you into the cellar.

        You don't like it down there and there are rats that try to bite you. Sister Olga yells through the door that you have devils inside of you but you only know of one devil and he is a fallen angel and you were never even an angel. You get angry again and when she tries to give you food you jump on her and then it is the girl with the green eyes( _ eye _ ) all over again except you maybe like it more and no one is there to stop you. She once told you that pain cleanses the soul and that one must not kill or hurt and that that was sin. But she  _ hurt you _ and now she is lying there just lying there and there is blood all over your hands. You hit yourself for the first time over her twitching body but you don't do it right and it doesn't hurt enough to feel good. It’s alright though, because next time you will find something sharper and maybe your blood will be as red and real as hers.

\--

        You are twelve years old and a man comes to the convent and his eyes widen when he sees you. You smile at him like you were taught and he tells you that you are a miracle. This sisters who are left tell you to leave with him and you do not hesitate because it has been a long time since someone looked at you like they wanted you to be there. He says his name is Tomas and you walk away with your hand enveloped in his.

\--

        You are fifteen years old and Tomas is teaching you how to love God. He says you are something called an original, that there are evil creatures that wear your face and that seek to destroy God's love. You don't know what love is anymore but that is alright because Tomas will teach you.

        You kiss the boy with sand colored hair and the battered green jacket one night after when Tomas has left you alone and you go into town. His lips are rough and his hands are hard so you copy him and do the same. You don't like it very much but then he says he loves you and you let him kiss you more because it had been a long time( _long time long time never never never_ ) since someone has said that to you. Tomas finds you and you don't want to know what he did to the boy but he makes you finish kicking him until he stops moving. Tomas tells you to watch how he prays to God and says that sinners who do not repent do not  _deserve_ help from God and that is why you can't stop and his blood is all over your shoes and his head doesn't look like one anymore. It’s alright though, because after Tomas holds you and his arms are strong and warm and hard.

        Later he introduces a woman to you and Maggie tells you all the ways you betrayed God with the boy and you hurt inside because you don't want to be a sinner twitching and gasping and begging in an alleyway. You hurt inside so that night you break Tomas’ razor so it can be held in the palm of your hand and you sink it deep into your shoulder and it feels almost as good as Sister Olga’s cane. Tomas lets you keep the jacket because he never gave you one and you remember how at the convent the food slowly stopped coming and the gardens wilted and the faces of the nuns slimmed and you hug him tight and you know it’s all alright because he waits a minute before shoving you aside.

\--

        You are sixteen and your scars are starting to take shape. You remember that you cannot be a devil because you were never an angel but these scars are starting to look like wings and you think maybe if you learn to fly you will cease to be a demon. Tomas smiled at you when he found your scars but they healed too fast and now he teaches you how to keep the scars fresh and bleeding.

        You keep cutting and you like how the blood feels going down your back so you cut deeper and deeper and one day you can't stop the bleeding and Tomas yells at you and asks you why and you don't know so you can't tell him. He yells more and the needle hurts going through your lips and you curl tightly onto yourself because Tomas forgot to give you a blanket and the cage is cold and your back hurts in a way that makes you hurt more in the inside not less and he tells you that you are the original again and you cannot hurt yourself except to atone. It’s alright though, because he says he has a holy mission and you can’t( _you deserve to deserve to deserve_ ) die before completing it.

\--

You are twenty years old and you hold the gun like a lifeline. You have always learnt your lessons fast and now you hit the targets without fail. Tomas has taught you more things, and you know now every way to kill a person so you don't have to resort to kicking them because the blood gets all over and is hard to clean up. Tomas tells you the name like it is gold, like he has been saving it and he tells you what you have to do.

        Your fingers fumble on the keyboard as you spell out her name, Tomas said all you needed was a name and so you look. A woman asks if you need help finding anything and you want to say yes but the scars on your lips still burn when you try to smile so you turn away and don't answer. The copy truly is a copy you think, her visage so like your own. Your finger hovers on the trigger as you take in her features and a feeling whelms within you. You hate her( _ you _ ). You hate her( _ you _ ) with her long dark hair and her nimble fingers and her face so much like your own and when her head explodes you grin with a jolt of ecstasy. As you watch her fall to the ground you start to laugh in rough, uneven tones, your breath catching and twisting in your gut. She just  _ looks _ so much like you, you with your  _ broken wings _ and your  _ broken mind _ yet she isn’t broken, or wasn’t broken, yes now you have broken her and she lies on the dirt like a rag doll. You don't stay for long, but Maggie has to teach you how to clean up your messes. Tomas is proud of you, he says he is and you know it’s alright and that he means it because that night you don't sleep in the cage and he strokes your hair until you fall asleep.

\--

        You are twenty two and she is fighting you. She is very strong this one but you are stronger and faster and her neck snaps under your fingers. You remember how the boy looked that winter morning and you almost throw up but you don't because the last time you did so you couldn't find food for a long time and it just made you feel worse. Tomas strokes your scars and tells you that you will fly someday and you want to believe him but you remember how the nuns used to look at you like you were wrong and Tomas's eyes take the same shape when he thinks you can't see him. It’s alright though, he has always done that, you know why( _you are wrong, wrong, wrong wrong wrong wrong_ ) and so you stop asking him for food and carve your wings more and more and more.

        You are careful now and the liquor burns on it's way down your throat and it feels better than before. You sit in the restaurant but the white powder tastes so good and reminds you of when there were people to soothe your dreams and so you eat it and keep eating it and when they bring you your food you pour it all over it and they look at you strange but that's alright because a long time ago the nuns gave you sweets and this tastes almost as good.

\--

        You are twenty five and your bullet misses for the first time. You run after her and break her open over a dumpster( _blood on your hands blood on your face blood on your soul_ ) but the damage is done and you have to run without cleaning up after yourself. She has managed to hurt you but that's alright because Maggie taught you how to fix yourself. The needle burns as it bites your skin but the bleeding stops and it’s alright because Maggie says that you did a good job.

        You find another woman too but before you can kill her something happens and you can't find her anymore and Tomas is angry at you for losing a sheep and you sleep in the cage again that night.

\--

        You are twenty six and Tomas storms in and then he is teaching you how to ride an old rusted motorcycle. By his behavior you know well enough not to ask where it came from but you smell copper( _blood on his hands blood on his face blood on his soul_ ) on his clean skin as he points out the controls. You learn fast as always and he tells you again where to go and you ask if he is coming but he says no and to hurry back and hands you a razor and tells you that God loves you( _you are the original you are the light_ ). The leaves swirl on their way down as you travel and you pull the green jacket tighter around your thin frame.

        You take a cupcake off a seller's cart on your first day there and because you are fast he doesn't notice until you have ran away. The city is new and strange and Tomas is not there to guide you( _Alone alone alone_ ) so you have to look very hard before you find her. You are careful with your aim this time and you focus on her long enough to spot her companion with short jet black hair. You see your face mirrored in two shades before one is a burst of red and the other is screaming. Fear shoots through your gut and you move to aim again but again it is gone and you have to cut yourself extra that night to make up for it. It’s alright though, because Tomas would be proud of you even if you lost the sheep again and even if he yelled and hit you again _(_ _always always_ ) it would still be alright because you have a sacred mission and you cannot fail and sometimes it’s okay to be reminded( _hurt, Sister Olga hurt, Tomas hurt, Maggie hurt, hurt, hurt, hurt_ ) of importance.

\--

        You are twenty eight years old and you have found the woman who evades you. You turn her name over and over in you mouth but you cannot wait long because Katja is running away and you must follow. The plane ride is long and the people look at you strangely and on the way down your ears hurt so badly that you think they are bleeding. The stewardess is trying to help you but you can't pay attention any more because it hurts so much.

        You land with shaking legs and Tomas tells you he is proud of you and you know he is lying. Tomas has always lied to you but that's alright. That's alright because Tomas-( _ hurts you _ )( _ hates you _ )( _ uses you _ )-and you can't finish the thought but you know( _ no _ ) it's alright regardless

\--

        You are still twenty eight years old and the farm is burning burning all around and you can't justify it anymore. This time when you laugh it isn’t with bated breath or twisted gut because you know it’s not( _never was never will be_ ) alright and you grin with the release a thousand cuts could never match.

**Author's Note:**

> So I wrote this while working backstage for a production of Anything Goes.... try reading it with the soundtrack going through your brain. It's entertaining.


End file.
